My Ex (x 2)

V broke my heart, many times over I'll admit, but literally only twice. The first time was characterized mostly by a lot of wailing, complaining incessantly to a very good friend of mine, thoughts of suicide and generalized pathetic despair. My older, more mature self thinks about the girl I once was and wants to slap her silly, but my chance has passed. The second time was less melodramatic; it may have sown the seeds for a truthful perspective of reality on my part. For this, I owe him a great many thanks.

V speaks with India on his tongue -- the colloquial speak of the New York taxi driver implanted in a six-foot frame -- it's charming, unexpectedly sexy. From a distance he could resemble a turban-less Osama Bin Laden, but for the jeans and the cigarette hanging from his lip. He has long eyelashes and since he's the color of coffee with too much milk, the dark eyes are somewhat shocking.

He meditates everyday. Or at least tries to. He often proclaims to give up his vices, the vice of the week being the most pressing, whether it's cigarettes, alcohol, meat or sex. Like meditation, at least he tries. If I think hard about the first thing that attracted me, it's that he was a big fan of Tom Robbins -- it seemed to tell the little girl in me that underneath this threatening, rather doomed exterior was a soul that could delight in Jitterbug Perfume.

My method and my downfall was such: extrapolate and exaggerate to the point where his character is exactly what you've been looking for. And then fall in love! I did a great disservice to both of us. We ended badly, tried again, and again ended badly. My last impressions of him were of a tall, handsome ne'er-do-well; a sort of fuck-up who made me only angry; the bad boy who didn't love me.

Now, five years later, he's my friend -- the kind of friend who is your ex (x 2) and you're never really sure where to put each other. I fumble a lot and always read more into what he says than I'm supposed to -- the little girl I was shining through the cracks. Mostly though, I'm done being both angry, and hopeful. If V taught me anything, it is this: See. Really see. The person standing in front of you is only the person standing in front of you -- not a white knight, and not a perfect circle. So if you're going to fall in love, SEE FIRST, fall later.

I see him differently now -- he's no longer a mirage. V stamps out a cigarette across the table, flashes those dark eyes at me -- sweet with a hint of bitterness. I feel about him the way I feel about passionfruit; I like the idea of eating it, but I silently die a little bit inside from the sourness. He has always been just himself; a fact I conveniently let slip by when we were dating. He's the bad boy who is more real than I ever was, who didn't love me and who I didn't love.

Today's News

I got a new toothbrush today. It's like a Ferrari. And blue.

Coup D'Etat: The Morning After

I think this is good. In fact, I think this is great. The big powers on the international scene are condemning it as an act against democracy-- that democratic means would have been the better way to restore order on the Thai political landscape. But democracy fell long ago here and perhaps has never really been as strong as we hoped. In name, a democracy; in truth, a collection of barking dogs.

Now the dogs have been silenced, at least for a while. I think the military has given Thailand a moment to breathe, to reconsider, to make room for new voices. The Constitution has been invalidated; now we have a chance to write a new one and dream of better mechanisms to guide us. Perhaps this is a necessary stage in a growing democracy.

These events defy the Western ideal of democracy. It seems that the Western leaders are dismayed -- like Thailand has robbed them of a good example of a developing nation thriving on democracy during a time when the West really needs to believe that democracy is a good idea. What if this IS Asian democracy: a messy, teetering struggle between effective decision-making and really listening to all the voices that need to be heard. Throw in the occasional peaceful military coup to act as referee every 15 years or so, and you've got a strengthening democracy.

Coup d'Etat, Thailand

There's a coup d'etat happening in Thailand right now. We're out in the country, in the sticks, so of course I saw none of the tanks that are rumoured to be blocking Bangkok's crowded city streets. There's no radio transmission and all channels on TV are showing the same message (with music) that says something like, "At the present time a group of revolutionaries, for the Democratic system with the King as the head of the country, which consists of the commanders of the military and the national police, have taken over the area of the capitol city of Bangkok and its vicinity without any opposition. In order to keep the peace of the country we are requesting your cooperation and we apologize for the inconvenience."

Heard rumours of a possible 'double-coup' -- that the Prime Minister had planned a coup and a rebel army chief planned a different one? The BBC said this, "Thai media say that two army factions appear to be heading for a clash, with one side backing the prime minister and the other side backing a rebel army chief." And they know a lot more about all this than I do. We are pretty cut off right now.

In Bangkok, my brother was at Models' Night at Santika and had to give up FOUR free drink tickets cuz of this! Just joking :) He did say that everything looks perfectly normal and people who are not glued to their televisions don't seem to know anything unusual is happening.

Will keep you updated.

Quote from Valentina

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.

- Carl Jung, Swiss psychologist (1875 - 1961)